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Getting thru college was a kind of a really big one for me, and looking back I never really to celebrate myself for it. It took me 7 years to actually get that thing over with.

Much of the time spent in college was with what you'd call leftists-- not a proud moment for me (especially as a professional) looking back at it now but this phase of my life is a big one in terms of character development. I come from a middle-class family and there I was gradually stripping myself off of who I really am just to "proletarianize" myself. I was slowly killing my relationship with my family (secrets had to be kept!), hurting a lot of my friends (who were ironically very supportive of me), failing miserably at school, and gravely worsening my medical condition.

It took a while before I finally got my brain guts together and quit such a toxic system/network. It took an even longer while to "fix" myself. I was essentially a living breathing version of the characters Winston Smith lived with from George Orwell's 1984. This lifestyle I used to be so into is essentially cancer- you do not get to simply walk out the front door- you had to undergo major reformation of the belief systems and worldviews you've preached and practiced for more than half a decade.

This was as much a win as it is a loss for me, as after this I practically didn't know who I was. The rebuilding part was hard especially knowing I had to stop interacting with a lot of people I got so much acquainted with. I kept to myself so much that it got to a point where I stuttered heavily and had a very hard time articulating my thoughts. 

I guess what I actually want to celebrate are the folks who were very loving and very patient with me. I flinged around a lot of very hurtful words and yet there they were, sticking around and checking every now and then to make sure that I actually get myself up and continue growing/living. I'm still in the process of getting back on track and I do not know what muck I'd be in had I not had them. 


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Hey hi, so much has gone on since that heckish nightmare of a blog post (the one prior to this one) went up. One might think that I may be on some amnesia-high at the time—you can feel it in the way I regard things with so much hatred and confusion. I guess that’s what losing a sense of direction does to you.

Would really just like to thank and apologize to those I’ve offended/ hurled potentially actually physically dangerous things at during that period and still decided to still be friends with me. Yep. Especially to those dears who came by to just check on me. I love you and you know that I didn’t mean to throw knives and expressions of hatred toward you (you know who u guys are!!!).

With regard to the post, I’m not going to put that beast down—I found it best to treat it like some sort of life marker? Sounds mighty cheesy but I can’t come up with anything better as my vocabulary’s still not fully restored yet.

If we were to speak only truths here, I still am in here drifting in the sea of what the fuck should I do next. And I swear I’m trying to keep it together.

Here’s a kind of a recap and a bit of what I am at least looking forward to.

I really not want to give this any credit but hey, this made me. I was in the hospital for the good latter half of February, and while I was in there time went by so crazily slowly—stayed there for less than week but it felt as if the ordeal lasted a month. Mama told me that one Friday (holiday) they were doing the laundry and she got really pissed that I was the only one not helping out, so she tried waking me up but I was an unresponsive veggie at that point. Apparently I also didn’t come to work the Thursday prior. Was then found that I contracted dengue and my autoimmune situation didn’t respond to it well.

Family and friends came (I was asleep for most part so I guess it was Arli & Mama trying to work out which of my friends to contact at the time) to visit and to maybe donate blood—some had really good intentions but were underweight if not too puyat at the time to donate. Wasn’t really in my best state back then but thank you friends and fam for coming over to visit and for all the love and all the junk food you brought along with you! I totally appreciated it. You know how hospital food suck.

I finally got to check out and upon coming home learned gradually that I wasn’t at an okay mental state yet. I keep bursting at really non-bursty things. I complained about almost everything. But I think much of that I can attribute to my being frustrated at how I keep forgetting things / how bad I was at trying to retain information during that period. I literally had to set my alarms or phone Mama (who’s at work) just to ask which medicine to take at what time and it bugged me that I was having a hard time recalling such small pieces of information. I felt so much pity at my situation that I was literally crying every day. Scary.

Eventually I had started getting into the habit of journaling to help me recall things better. I also got into the habit of reading novels so that hindi ako masyadong mapulpol given that much of my activities in the day only include binging on Netflix and resting and eating.

Man, that phase was really something.

Every now and then in this brief period, friends would magically find their way to my house or force me out of it and into coffee/ catch-up dates with them. To be honest I hated the idea of having guests over/ having to go out because my steroids-induced moon face and attention-snatching malar rashes made me feel self-conscious in a really negative way. How I managed to make friends with such an Adonis-ish bunch still baffles me. (Thank you friends for having my back even when it seemed that I was burning bridges at that phase in my life. Your company was gold.)

Now after about a month of homestay I had to report back to work again and found myself forgetting the work flows/ routines I’ve so mastered before everything went haywire. I panicked almost everyday because I cannot recall procedures so basic like preparing parcels or issuing invoices or filling out tax forms. Please don’t think rude thoughts—consider that I still was on recovery during this period.

Eventually I had to quit. Feeling like a liability more than an asset/ vehicle/ actual help was something I cannot handle already at that point yet, of course in addition to how I was, overall, already feeling like shit. Rose was really cool about it but only after tearing up too upon realizing I was crying while expressing my intent to resign. To be really fair she was such a cool friend-slash-person-slash-boss to be around of and I learned so much from her, but I know that I needed rest, and even if I don’t the Lupine rashes on my face would protest for it anyway.

So that’s basically how I quit my first-ever full-time job. Well but not really, because right now I’m still doing some part-time business development work for that company. My boss was kind enough to give me that option.

In the process of getting better health-wise, I decided I would still want to work on my brain because I’ve observed that I wasn’t doing much exercise with it while I was working and especially before I fell into that coma last Feb. In light of this I decided that since I have the time already, I’d get some activity up there by getting into the habit of reading.

Might I just add that it was in one of these meditative reading sesh that I had an Aha! moment. This was the time I attended my cousin’s recognition rights but since the seats inside their gym hall was limited in number, I had to pass the time at their school cafeteria reading one of Ambeth Ocampo’s works. Anyway like any millennial whose level of self-worth could easily falter for the smallest most unsure reason, I might just decide to share it here on this little cyberspace only after the wheels are actually and consistently turning. All I can say at this point is that it involves something environment-friendly, quirky, and culture-oriented. Arli and I have already put up plans regarding this project over coffee but right now it’s still in progress (sorry, love! I know you’ve done your part already and that you’re just waiting for me to come up with drafts for it but I bet that you already know being a creative yourself that these kinds of juices do not flow right when we want it to. I’m working on it already!)

Ayan I’ve made my statement already. May the cosmic deities bless me with sipag, creativity, and an on-point sense of urgency. I’ll need it a good lot of those.

Will see how that turns out.

While I’m waiting for my medical situation to get better—i.e. for my liver filtering system to actually work and not randomly throw in stray protein molecules to my pee as it is currently doing—I thought I’d start working on my rusty visual art skills. For the last couple of weeks I’m trying to get in the habit of keeping my social media handles alive.

I’m hoping that keeping those alive would help me spread brand awareness on the materials I use and sell the supply of Winsor & Newton watercolour palettes I’ve recently had on hand to sell on Lazada on the side hehehe.

On that note, and also in line with my objectives of

  • being more physically social
  • improving my urban sketching thingamajam, 
  • expanding my network of friends to further include those who share the same interests as I, 
  • possibly generating sales as a result of that network extension, and 
  • having more access to other opportunities that may help me grow professionally or otherwise—i’d take the floof out of it (why not!), 

I just might start joining communities that actually allow for the meeting up of people who share the same interests/ passions as I!

Communities / Learning resources I’d need right now would include those engaging in urban sketching, zero waste management, and silk screen printing. Would really love it if you give me a bump if you know one!

And so for now, in fulfillment of that business venture I’m building myself around of and in the urgency to connect with my niche, all while waiting for this awful Lupus hex to wear off, I guess it’s just proper to incorporate the improvement of my art skills to my running list of dailies. That said, you (whom I do not know if truly existent and breathing and matter) will be witnessing a lot of arts & culture-oriented stuff on this little blog which you may or may not find pleasant all the time.

Ang dami kong plano sana may mangyari hahahaha

a crisis of sorts

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I’m turning a year older in a few days and frankly i’ve lost count of how old i really am
I’m not even exaggerating. I'm beginning to think it'll start not to matter anymore. I’m free writing and i really hadn’t  done this in a while. My keyboard is about to give up on me and my screen and the whole of my laptop is giving up on me too and i'm mighty sure that at the end of all these wala nang matitira. I guess this is the point in which i just try to live or survive or get by each weird day that comes. Which is weird, because that’s what people have been trying to do all these years, right? Live life or something?

I don’t understand what i’m trying to put together here—i’m not even sure if i’m trying to put something together anymore. I’ve already gotten to a point where i just keep wondering what holds me back—why can others move forward? Howcome i can’t? Am i that incapable? I don’t want to think much about it—the fact that i’m going nowhere and i’m seeing everybody else moving forward with their lives.

Something must be wrong with me. Heck, i’ll claim it. Something is wrong with me. And the worst part is that i cant seem to move forward from whatever it is that is weighing me down. This sucks. And this was supposed to be a motivational load of crap.

And ironically i end up with this. Ugh i suck at this. This was supposed to be some pep talk to help myself get my shit together.

What the flying fuck.

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mic test


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Photos from way back 
| Second half of 2013













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