I’d be flying over to Transylvania mid-May and i think watching Bram Stoker’s Dracula still wasn’t enough, so

UNDERWORLD (FILM SERIES)

Corvinus’ sons are little asses who seem to be oblivious of the dangers of the world. One got bitten by a bat and turned into a vampire. Another got bitten by a wolf and turned into a lycan. Well we all know that vampires shapeshift into werewolves, but this film suggests that the two are adversaries. The plot was able to illustrate how that came to be so i guess it’s fine. The storyline was a little effortless and i still don’t think that the presence of hot peepz and heavy morbidity will make up for it. The series i think still hasn’t met its end yet kasi the latest instalment was open ended so i guess i'll just have to watch out for Underworld 5

BLADE (1998)

A vampire hunter (who was a semi-vampire himself) tries to stop whatever the most oppressive of bloodsuckers was up to via really slick Enter the Dragon-esque moves. There are lots of OA scenes, but i think that that further adds pogi points. Plus points for a ‘stached sidekick, a special zombie appearance, and a bloodsucking hitman that keeps coming back to life no matter how many times you slice and dice and fry him. Basta children, remember, crosses and holy water don’t do dick! But silver will. Because silver repels werewolves, and fuck yeah vamps equals werewolves

THE LOST BOYS (1987)

The lost boys are a bunch of teenage bike-riding hipster warlocks who wear Jack Sparrow earrings and dress flashily and do rad adrenaline-inducing shit together and bleed glitter. Yep, glitter. This film will sort of make you want to become a vampire yourself. Getting rid of vampires will require traditional stake and sunlight, but, to quote vampire beta, garlic don’t work, boys. Holy water does, though. Also, the film was consistent with Sweden’s Let the Right One In with its invite-lé-vampire-first-so-that-it-can-enter-your-house decree and i think that’s a rule every vampire film should absorb

DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT (1995)

The comedy version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. At first i thought it’d suck, but i had to admit that some scenes were funny or shallow lang talaga 'ko huhu. In this film, Renfield was Gollum and Dracula was his precious, Van Helsing’s accent was rrr’s and zzz’s. Vampires have daymares and i think that’s logical natawa ako :( This shit was brimming with estrogen and boobs and boners but i swear it still cannot possibly make anyone go unf

FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

Now this one’s been residing in my movie folder for a century now and tonight just happened to be vampire movie marathon night. So Jerry here is the new resident vampire and people from the neighbourhood disappear one by one. This film has introduced me to new vampire shit—vampires cannot be caught on camera and they start looking like that shark from Jaws whenever they feed. I was sort of super expecting that it’d be David Tennant who’d be savin the freakin day, and though i didn’t get the ending i was so fucking looking forward to, i was gripped to see how Jerry the Vampire’s 400-year-old ass turned out to have no match for David fucking Tennant’s 900-year-old time lord bottom. Fuck yeah time lords!

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)

Brothers Seth (Clooney) and Richie (Tarantino) has taken a family of three as hostage and wound up in a nest of vampires halfway into the movie—it took that long that i almost thought it wasn’t a vampire movie at all! Tarantino here was a mentally impaired sex offender and i think that that bit made the movie a whole lot cooler. Now i’ve developed this newfound crush on Clooney and Tarantino okayladjf. I think they are the coolest terrorists ever. I also think that this, by far, is the coolest bloodsucker movie i’ve ever seen! The climax was brimming with undead boners and undead boobs and lots of Jackie Chan action and disembodied body parts. Did i mention they filled condoms up with holy water? MAN THOSE WERE THE COOLEST FREAKIN BOMBS I’D EVER. SET. MY EYES. UPON ON! However, although the plot was action-filled and super kickass, the ending was sort of disappointing. BUT MAN, THIS FLICK ROCKS! WATCH IT, RETARDS!